“Your breath smells.”
That’s what I got on Wednesday from a friend.
I got it again in 2006 when I was training at martial arts from another friend.
“Your breath stinks. Do you floss? You should floss”.
Kind of shocking. But really useful. I staggered, stammered, and said “thanks for telling me”. I was embarrassed.
My dental hygiene improved, I got the problem fixed.
I felt shock and embarrassment, but now I can give a heartfelt thanks to those truthtellers.
Being honesty is a really good way to build rapport with people and gain their respect, and eventually have very deep satisfying mutual relationships. Honesty is also a symptom of confidence, self-assuredness, initiative and independence. It should be associated with masculinity for those reasons, but strangely I’m not sure it is regarded in
popular culture as a sign of a true man – it should be.
Brad Blanton, a West Virginia psychotherapist, believes lying is chronic in most people. And I have to agree with him. I only have to look at myself on a regular day to see how many white lies I tell.
The coworker with the new haircut that looks like a yak’s tail on a windy day.
“That cut looks great Cheryl”.
Well what are we going to do? Tell someone their haircut looks no good?
Part of not telling the truth is ‘withholds’ - omissions to tell people what we did or how we are feeling. The trick is knowing when to say something and when not to while being a more honest person.
And what about being honest about how we feel when we feel good things about people?
How often do we tell people we love them or like them, or appreciate them for a certain behaviour?
“I appreciate the way you put so much thought into this present”.
Or how often are we open about our sexuality?
“You look really cute in that dress, and I mean sexy cute”.
Blanton argues we should try and put a stop to the filtering we do between our brain and our mouths, and let the cards fall where they may. I partially agree in that I think that people should be much more honest and there is a capacity for a great deal more honesty, especially with friends and loved ones. As a first step, I think people should prepare friends for increased honesty by letting people know they want to have more of an open and honest relationship. Most friendships can stand the truth telling and benefit from it.
On the other hand, I feel that not putting a filter between what you think and what you say is pretty reckless in the workplace, and Brad Blanton ought to be more practical and compassionate in his suggested practice to his ’students’.
You can read an informative and funny article on Brad Blanton by AJ Jacobs (who is an interesting guy in his own right). There are also numerous youtube videos of Blanton. I bought his book Radical Honesty, and it was worth the money. I think Blanton has a great deal to contribute although he is sometimes portrayed as a nut, he is an intelligent person with a great deal of good advice. He does get abstract, nonsensical and zany sometimes – you have been warned. When I read his radical theory, I don’t know whether to cringe or be inspired.
Another very good post on honesty from 30 sleeps’ Brad Bollenbach is here.
