The myth of male power

I just finished the Myth of Male Power audiobook, which is an essentially an interview with Warren Farrell.

It made me feel angry and sad for us men.

I think many men will feel sad, and they ought to read the book or listen to the audio interview regardless to get a true sense of how men are exploited and disempowered – as a step to taking back their lives and making choices.

The book is informative on several topics.   For some others, I expect this book will be seen as a whinge by men – I think that view is immature and nitpicky.  Farrell comes across  convincingly on the audio that he wants a society that transcends women’s politics and men’s politics, and even if you disagree with him on some points, you will find that overall this is a valueable contribution.

Are men dispensable?

From being used as soldiers in battle to very high participation in dangerous jobs (mining, construction etc.) Farrell argues that men are the most dispensible sex.  He puts forward some facts which I agree with :

• The rate men kill themselves at is  5 times what it is for women;
• most dangerous jobs are done by men
• We also know that most wars are still heavily dependent on men putting their lives on the line in times of war, despite women being over 50% of the voter-base; and
• Men get less dedicated health care dollars.  Less TV programming is aimed at them.  Less popular media is aimed at them.

Women don’t get paid as much as men

He also digs underneath the fact that men get paid more than women.  They are – but at what cost? The hidden costs of higher earnings in stress and competition, and the longer hours and less involvement with family.   Apart from time povery, these high-earning ‘choices’ are really, very often come with payment obligations.  Farrell says we have to look at net worth as the real wealth is

total pay – payment obligations (eg. paying for household) = net worth

Men learn to gain status-achievement as a means of attracting the best looking women they possibly can.  Women are pressured to seek out well-paid partners as a means of having wealth and security.  Marrying a wealthy man means more free time and less stress.  Low-status men who fail in the status game, like garbage collectors,  have a higher risk of physical injury and are  almost ‘invisible’ to most women.

Women get more interested in me when they find out that I am lawyer.  But is this some kind of guarantee that I will be happy in the transaction with a woman who wants a high-achiever?

For instance, I was told to work weekends at my old law firm so:

“so you can sit in a spa with 3 women when you’re 30″.

Luckily knew then that that this statement was total hogwash and left that job for a better one.

To all the young law students out there, can I say there is very little happiness to be gained from long hours and the whipped up status that big law firms grant – if there are benefits, they’re largely style over substance.   Most women who hang around in spas with lawyers are hookers.

My conclusion is Farrell has a point and men will have to deal with to what extent they want to pursue externally achieved status.

Walking her home late at night

I got into the habit of walking women home, because it was the gentlemanly thing to do, and I’m generally a gentleman.

However, the role is also a cost on men to men like me, as Farrell rightly points out.  This doesn’t mean I will stop protecting women by walking with them late at night to their home or their car – but he is right that it is a bodyguard service that men take on, often out of social role – with no return.   There are countless ways I have performed this service – offering lifts home, going out of my way on bike rides, taking detours, walking when I didn’t want to walk because a women friend wanted to get out of the house at night.

Most victims of violence are men.

How often a year do I get paid for my bodyguard services?

Is it ‘ unmanly’ to even ask such a question?

Real equality

Farrell has other arguments, I can’t go into all of them here.

If you accept his point of view, you accept that, on average, men are trapped by the acceptance of damaging social roles.   I think this puts an onus on men to say what they want and relate their experiences of society.  I agree with Farrell that ordinary men have not spoken on their experience as providers, lovers, fighters and workhorses – and that part of the paradox is that honestly relating feelings is exactly what men are taught not to do.

Postscript

I received some questions on this post, and I want to make two things clear

a)  I do not agree with Farrell’s complete views.   I definitely don’t want to have to argue against Farrell, because other people have done that.  I think Farrell’s work, taken as a whole, is valuable despite some reservations I have.  I haven’t bothered to outline these reservations.

b)  I still think it is a very good thing to walk women home.   I feel the streets at night are far safer for single men than for single women and men have a valid role in protecting women (and male) friends by reducing the chance that something bad may happen.

c)  Someone suggested that I was saying women were oppressing men. Farrell himself stresses that its not women that are the oppressors, its historical structures both sexes find themselves in.  If my post gave the impression women are oppressing men, then that’s not what I meant to convey.   Painting men as victims of women is an unproductive idea.    There is an easy lapse into victimology in both feminisim and men’s rights movement thinking and we have to avoid it.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot

I have recently discovered a passion for insults to use in funny ways, as a means of joking and breaking the ice with people.   Being able to slightly break rapport with people is a great way to get to know someone and adds excitement to the day.   It is also a part solution to counteracting the boring too-’nice’ interactions we have everyday in the corporate world.

Using insults to generate rapport

In terms of content, all you need is a few insults, and then rest is a matter of body language and tone.  The formula is that you say what would be a cutting remark in a teasing way to someone you already have an acquaintance relationship with – so they don’t take it as an insult that is meant to humiliate or harm.

Insults like this shouldn’t be about personal appearance especially if you’re talking to a woman (‘You’ve got a face like a saint – a Saint Bernard’ is a no – no).  A good place to start is that somehow there is something odd that you can’t quite put your finger on.

“I’d like to say you’re great to work with… I’d really like to say that’.

“I bet most people find your unique views quite interesting”

and the more direct jibe, in the context of some ‘mistake’,

“Now I know why some mammals eat their children”.

“You have the intelligence of Albert Einstein…. with the attention span of daffy duck”

Or have a go at their clothes,

“Nice top…. did you get it from Oxfam?  Have you ever thought about modelling for Oxfam?”

My only signpost for you is that you have to do this with a certain vibe, otherwise it doesn’t work.  They should laugh not cry.

One example from my last weekend.  I was talking to a pale short waitress and she had a t-shirt that said ‘I’m a Latin Lover’.  I asked her what her t-shirt said, she told me. Then I said ‘If you’re going to be a latin lover you’re going to need more bronzer’.  It doesn’t have to be super funny, its just a way to break the ice.

The other game: Nasty insults and what to do about them

Today, I discovered a post on the verbal art of handling insults, written by Jay Morrissey. Jay has a wonderful blog that deals with some of the topics I talk about here on Don’t Believe Everything You Think.  Jay’s writing style and his clarity of thought were so refreshing to read, I hope you find his posts interesting.

Jay covers darker and more evil side of insults, as a means of trampling and demeaning, and what you can do about them.

your customs officials – healthy boundaries

I had a job a while back teaching people about boundaries. I am no expert here, but I came up with a simple concept for teaching what I think is a basic relationship skill.

To have healthy boundaries, you need 2 things:

• Know where your boundaries are
• Have some kind of system for protecting those boundaries.

The way I think of boundaries is like the boundaries of a country. So imagine you’re Australia, the country. The country has boundaries. Second, you’ve got coast guards and airport security, because without that the boundaries don’t really mean anything. To get into Australia people need a passport. So then you can imagine that you need also to set up some kind of system so that you can react when people try to get in illegally. For a country, that’s the customs and immigration system.

Precedent

When I was working with people in relationships with boundary setting, I naturally came across people in the middle of a set of relationships with little boundary control. Their boundaries were often not really enforced. So imagine that for instance, New Zealand decided to sent people over to live in Sydney, and Australia didn’t say anything. Imagine the passport officers and the customs officers were asleep at their desk. Precedent is really important.

People tend to look at abusive relationships and see one person as the bad guy, and the other person as the saint. In actuality, when you talk to people inside a relationship they tell you its more complicated than that.

All relationships have sets of precedents. For instance, when a man hits a woman, and she doesn’t tell him its wrong. They set a precedent. Or a friend is late to a meeting with you, and doesn’t get told off. That sets a precedent. Or do you say sorry for things that aren’t your fault? That sets a precedent. I think I have blogged before, that we teach people how to treat us. That’s where that saying comes from.

The power is with us to say what goes and what doesn’t go in our personal space. Can we change how we protect our boundaries? Yes, we can do that. But it’s much harder to evict 20,000 New Zealanders than it is to have firm boundaries in the first place.

The best time to protect your boundaries is the first time someone crosses them.

Three tips

• Learn from people around you.  Listen to how people politely say no or how they say they don’t like things being done to them.
• If you don’t like something – say something, anything, even as simple as ‘don’t do that’ or ‘stop that’ will do for starters.  I have a blog post here on how to do this well.
• Write your rules about how you wish to be treated and advertise them by talking to people about them.

the sorry curse: how to stop saying sorry

Two days ago this new girl started at my work, and in the afternoon on my way to grab a cup of tea, I walked past her desk. Naturally, having worked there, I felt the pleasant obligation to say hi and welcome her. I introduced myself, and then I said “you’re sitting at my old desk”.  This was just an observation, possibly even an opening into another conversation.

But she said : “I’m sorry”.

That really surprised me and shocked me.  I thought in my head “what kind of self-esteem do you have?”.

Later, one of the bosses coming out of a meeting room, we almost collided.  It only took a split second, she looked at me with a shocked look on her face and I just felt the words stumble out of my mouth: “…I’m sorry”.  But it was her fault.

I find myself saying at the room of someone’s office:   “Sorry to bother you but could you discuss this email with me”.

Sorry Sorry Sorry.  And not one real apology.

Are you, like me, one of those people who says ’sorry’ at times when you don’t mean it?

My theory about this is that its a learned behaviour to cope with anxiety.   It is probably an effective short-term response, that kind of works for people short-term to settle situations down and avoid conflict, and so they keep using it.  It also comes I think from owning too much responsibility for situations.  If you came from  a family where sorry was the magic word to end a conflict, then no wonder you would want to achieve a state of relief from your anxiety but uttering that word ’sorry’.  The trouble is, its not a magic word in the adult world.

In the workplace, having the sorry disease it is not a good long term strategy at all.  It shows weakness and low self-esteem.  You know how dogs roll over and show their throat to more dominant dogs?   That’s what most of these false sorries are, they’re just rolling over into a submission position in the hope the other dog won’t see you as a threat.  Its one way of showing submission and seeking a quick return to ‘normal’.  And if you do it repeatedly you won’t be trusted as a person who can stand up for themselves or live with tension.  Other submissive traits are a rising vocal inflection when saying sorry, and averting the gaze.  So, its not just the words, there is the body language too.

One thing you could do to try and change is to  stop saying ’sorry’.  How do you like these?

• You want to interrupt someone:  “I’m interrupting you I know…” instead of “Sorry for interrupting you”.  It acknowledges that you’re conscious you’re invading privacy or someone’s space.
• You bump into someone an exclaim “Whoa!” or “Wo there” and smile… instead of “Sorry!”  with worried expression.
• If someone points to a mistake in your work or says something about you that you might be tempted to apologise for just say: “I’m glad you noticed”.
• Use the words, “I would like to apologise for X behaviour…”, for a real apology.  Again, you’re forced to give a proper apology when you really do feel sorry.

I think at deeper levels I could also do more work on myself, which will bolster my new found habits and create more of a foundation for a new way of relating.  As a general rule,  people fear conflict and developed maladaptive ways to deal with possible conflict scenarios – avoidance is the most popular – hence the many ’sorry’s we hear each day.  It is OK to acknowledge that this has worked for us in the past in some short-term way – but now we’re letting it go.

One last word. Where I live ’sorry’ can be a polite acknowledgement, its not such a bad thing to be polite.  It is why I have used it for years, for example when interrupting anyone at work.  However, I try to not do it anymore.  I think its a fine thing to be polite, but sometimes you have to take a stand and try and change your behaviour by just cutting all the sorry behaviour.

Thank you

I got this in a sign off in an email today, and I decided to turn it into an image – and a thank you to all my friends and readers.

Although life is no doubt messy by nature, its beautiful to think that perhaps we can add elegance to parts of it.

‘Pick up’ 101 pt2

You thought the way animals mated on the nature channel was weird.  

For example:   Breaking up courtship in 9  stages so you can “close” a girl.   This kind of pseudo-scientific approach became a tool for a few people to make money from selling a ’secret method’.  And all these theories served to make men anxious that they were being left out of hot-baking sex with beautiful women because they didn’t know a recently discovered secret.  That’s the darkside of companies like the famous Love Systems Ltd (I love the company name!).

I think the pick up community provided a forum for men to express their desires and feel comfortable talking to other men – how often do men get together to share experiences? Rarely.

The positive is that hopefully we are left with men who, after chatting with other men, are getting comfortable talking to women, appreciating themselves, and also being able to take their banter up a notch into flirting – which is a natural playful state.  Flirting involves jibbing, teasing and joking, like we do with most of our good friends.  It keeps relationships fun.  And then there is taking initiative and leading, because in our society the man has been assigned the gender role to lead – its a cultural thing.  And I think it is good to know its up to men to go for the basic transitions on dates – asking her out, taking to her in a bar, taking her to a cafe, or taking her off the couch and onto your bed.   For instance, I really enjoyed learning you could just pick up your date from the lounge room and drop them on your bed!  Its surprisingly easy, but someone had to suggest it before I knew it was ‘OK’ to do something like that.

However for men venturing into the ’seduction community’ I have 3 warnings:

1.  There are some men who believe women are a) evil b) bitches c) fundamentally flawed in some way.  These men not getting much out of their relationships.    Look for other men who, deep down, appreciate women, love women and have learned from them.

2.  Beware of too much emphasis on secrets, strange-sounding scientifically named techniques, and ‘proven’ 42 – step plans, 11-DVD sets, they’re usually just money making schemes, and make men feel bad when they don’t measure up.   Look for people who have used female input into their writing – and who value female feedback.    An amazing guy can say  ‘I approached her go get her number, but she asked for my number first so she could call me’.  For me, that kind of possible experience flips cheesy ‘pick up’ on its head and licks its balls.  I have read and heard good things from  for instance from guru Zan Perrion and the Authentic Man Program – both commercial programs, although I can’t endorse either of them fully because I haven’t shelled out for very much of their material.  Hats off to men who are getting parts of their life they need sorted – sorted.

3.  Your love life is on life support from ‘routines’ unless you actually have a life. What I mean is that if you’re in  bar telling a chick about your great mountaineering expedition to impress her – I would expect you actually do go climb mountains.  The idea is you can tell great stories and have the life to go with them.

‘pick up’ 101

I’m going to be writing a few posts on the art of pick up.

First of all, there is no such thing as pick up.  As with any interaction, there are two people involved, so the idea you can pick someone up like you can pick up a saltshaker from a table is nerdy way out notion.

The idea that some sort of elaborate techniques or series of questions will somehow hypnotise someone into doing exactly what you want is a very enticing idea. It is also a pretty damaging one for guys, because it negates the other half of the equation. The results are guys who get increasingly frustrated with themselves: ie. I did everything right, so whats going on, why didn’t she feel anything?; and also guys who also begin to see their relationships as some kind of battle – if I do X, she does Y, if I do Z… etc etc.    Actually, its also a common feature in some chick-lit too, so girls are reading into the same techniques too which is some kind of cosmic payback.

Neil Strauss, wrote The Game, the most famous book about the seduction community to date.   The Game put it into mainsteam, generating numerous columns, an industry for ’seduction’ experts, and TV shows in the UK and the US dedicated to ‘game’. Its a fantastic book to read for any guy or gal – I heartily recommended it.  Its a fantastically entertaining book – as a fictional work.

I really like Neill.

Neill Strauss is an incredibly charasmatic guy.  He is well travelled, wrote for the New Yorker and Rolling Stone, has a great wardrobe, is a funny, intelligent guy, who vibes with women, cares about them, and appreciates them. Someone with a good sense of self and great sense of humour.   When you listen to interviews with Neill (who is not hard to find on the internet) you realise that this guy is not going to be left without something to say. He’s written books and toured with Motley Crue.  Now you take Neill and compare him to some 21 year old dude who just got out of school, who’s had the life experience of an indoors Chihuahua, never travelled, had limited challenges, who has not done anything with his life – you take that kid and teach him the same techniques that Neill learnt and he is not going to have anything near the success Neill had in the dating world.  In fact its going to be quite hard on the poor kid.

You tell him to go up to some girl and say, on cue, on script:

“You’re kinda cute, but you look like too much of a nice girl for me”.

A ‘line’.

Well, and then what… whats the follow up?   She might say “What?  What did you just say? Could you repeat that?“. Or simply “Why do you think that?“

Have we got a scripted answer for that too we can give ? Can we script a whole conversation?  Without lines, we’re relying on confidence and personality.

You see, I like the idea of young men approaching and talking to women.  Most women like that idea too.  Thats why I want to write about the whole game – because it interests me.

To be continued….

flint and gunpowder: assertiveness training

“I’m tired because I went to Albuquerque to get your parcel, its down in my car.  I’d appreciate if you went and got it out of there?  Is that okay?”

“Could you put my cds back in their cases when you’re finished with them?”

Sometimes you just don’t know if what you’re doing is right, especially in a conflict situation where you want, if possible, to maintain a good relationship.   Are you being unreasonable, pushing too hard, or are you too much of a softie – not asking for what you want, being repetitive, obstinate?

In the last few years, I’ve found two books that have reinforced good conflict skills and given me new ones.   I also believe in learning basic script  techniques, because sometimes people catch you when you are not itn the mood to be reasonable, you are tired or upset, and in those situation you can fall back  on a technique to give them a half-decent, effective and respectful expression of what you want.

Here are my two favourite books:

• When I say No, I feel guilty (Smith).   This is one of the greatest self-help books ever written, despite the cringe worthy title and the fact the cover art is awful.   It actually is a book that bears re-reading, and is dense with information.  This is an assertiveness classic and a book that should not be judged by its cover.  The techniques in this book have come from Smith’s own courses, for example, for new university students.  A very robust explanation of ideas. I like the way the book goes into assertiveness theory, and has many actual examples of conversations.

• The Power of Positive Confrontation: The Skills You Need to Know to Handle Conflicts at Work, at Home and in Life (Patcher).  Barbara Patcher  has a really good if obvious little mantra in this book, she calls ‘WAC’ – What, Ask, Check in, which is a great way to handle feedback or ask for things you want in life.  “Your finger tapping is bothering me (what), could you go into another room if you want to do that (ask), is that ok? (check in)”    This is a great book for its simplicity and candour, and is worth buying, although its not as rich as Smith’s.  Patcher likes the term ‘polite and powerful’ rather than assertive, because some people confuse assertiveness with aggression – and I have to agree with her.
  

Like Patcher says : Don’t attack someone, go out and WAC someone.

Choice

We painted ourselves, we got drunk, we dressed up, we wore wrong clothes, we drove our cars too fast, read banned books.   I hung out with a ‘rebellious’ crowd. I now call these conventional rebellions, the rebellions young people have as an an accepted alternative to the mainstream.  When I see a rebel, like an Emo or Punk,  I am very sympathetic to them, and their rejection of mainsteam society.  I know mainstream society isn’t that hot, and it deserves a great deal of dissent.  But whether they are Fundamentalist christians, feminists, marxists, bikies, emos, goths or punks – they are conventional rebels.

Through reading books, I discovered what true rebellion was like.  To me the greatest rebellion is that of the spirit against the gravitational pull of outside circumstances.  The example that always sprints to my mind is that of Victor Frankl in the concentration camps in wartime Europe.  Frankl said

[w]e who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

We can have a lack of choice in the richest of mansions too,  because we bring ourselves to a Chateau as much as we do to a concentration camp.  We bring ourselves everywhere we go.

The ability to choose one’s reaction to outside circumstances is the most freeing of the freedoms.  For example,  gently stepping aside when a barbed comment is thrown your way.   An ability to generate one’s own internal sense of peace, regardless of circumstances, is a liberation.

One example from my life was not being angry at someone anymore, when I had every right to be angry for awhile longer.  I thought “I’m going to let you off the hook, because I don’t want to hold the hook anymore.”.  That was a fantastic thought – to give up a grudge earlier than part of me wanted to.  Take as a parallel,  Kennedy and Khruschev during the Cuban Missile Crisis, another example of how people can choose to give themselves the time to talk, when generals were advocating a conventional escalation of hostilities.  That’s a tremendous example of liberation and rebellion agains the regular tide of ‘everything happening to us’.

I am sure there are plenty of other examples you could choose from your own life – you rebel you.

the Zulu theory

I don’t know why I know this, but this guy invented this really simple theory called the ‘Zulu theory’, that I find inspirational.

It’s called that because a researcher’s wife was reading a book on Zulus.  After the book was finished it occurred to him that she probably knew more about Zulus than anybody in a 50km radius. So he invented a name for her new found knowledge and its consequences: Zulu theory.  And, in some circles he became famous for it!

I was inspired by Zulu theory because it represents an obvious truth about knowledge and society.  That is: knowing something at an amateur level in a niche subject is enough to have a distinct advantage over most people who probably know little or nothing about that subject.

Some practical applications are amateur investors who get to know particular stocks or people who read about persian rugs before purchasing a rug.   As long as you know more than the average person about your particular subject matter, be it Zulus or whatever, you are at a great advantage in that field.  The theory also gives rise to another idea, that a official academic study, or a degree, or qualification, or formal study of any kind is not required to be one of the few people in your particular region who is an expert.  Reading a couple of books on ‘positive confrontation’ or ‘conflict resolution’ and you’re not the world’s leading expert – but you probably know a hell of alot more than every joe shmoe you will meet for the next month.

There is also another consequence I feel, that is also inspirational.  As you learn more about a subject, you don’t necessarily gain more competitive advantage proportional to the increased knowledge.   For instance, I don’t need to go to Iran to study persian rugs, a basic primer from my local library will be enough to put me ahead of 99% of people – and that as general statement once you have a basic level of knowledge of a niche subject knowing more and more about a niche subject area is less and less useful unless you are studying the subject academically (ie. merely for the sake of knowledge).

What is inspirational for me is that I know how little effort it takes to excel  – just an interest in something is usually enough.